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I don’t even know what these beats is, damn
I jump out the phantom
With a cannon
I leave you stranded at the Grand Canyon
8 screens on, damn, I’m watching Ed O’Bannon
Ain’t no tryina tell him
Ain’t no tryina get a felon
Apparently I’m more throwed than your parents
I come through with diamonds and carats
It’s hard to see through him
I coulda played for UCLA bruins but I was truant
I was schooled too late
Diamonds, oh man, cause earthquake
The way I demonstrate
Ice on my chest, ice on my face
My teeth and grill shine clean
I’m Mr. Clean
I - I step inside the club like Mr. T
So many ice up on my chest I look like rainwall
I pull up in the riverdale do a raindance
I’m rain stance
I sit up like a tricep
My – I work out on my biceps
My tricycle made from Versace
But I ain’t got no kids
I forgot what I did
Five minutes ago
I shop at Texaco
I done – I done balled like Plaxico
So much money on my plate, it’s hard to eat it
I come through in a Gucci wife-beater
With the sleeves off
Cuz you know I gotta keep it cool
I act a fool
I pack a mule
I pack a tool
They thinking that I work at Home Depot
You shooting shots?
Bitch, I’m shooting free throws
I’m grand slam
I’m in the Trans Am
I’m flipping candy yams
These bitches look like, uh—
[Toucan Sam. I switch the whole beat on bitches, what
What they want, freestyle dome, freestyle off the head?
Uh. I po’ four in my phantom]
I po’ a four in my Phantom
I came through
Uh, I bought me a panda
It’s a hologram
I come through in Afghanistan
I stand still
And I raise my left hand
I tell a couple lies
But they just white lies
You know I ain’t gotta try
I freestyle drive-by
I do a freestyle don’t even give you a chance to come back
I drop the track in about a minute flat
It’s nothing to me
Music ain’t shit
I do this shit so quick they think I work for Bisquick
They figured I work for Nestle’s Quik the way I mix it up
8 screens on, watching Daffy Duck
I play in public, I play with my budget
Man I can’t fuck with you, you ain’t got a good enough deductible
You ain’t got enough bank deposit
Motherfuckers trying to negotiate my freestyle skills
I come through working all kind of wooden wheels
I – I pop a pill
I – I’m like a drug deal
I – I’m in Nashville
Yeah bitch, I’m in Tennessee
Them hoes can’t see me
For clarity, just to see me?
$2500 on the Cazals
I come through, in Eastertime
I’m candy pastel
I pass well
Like Tony Delk
My chest passes is …
You – you can’t even add it up with mathematics
I pull up doing symmetry
I cut you in half, turn you to a centipede
That’s how I do it
The whole game get ruined
I come through sip codeine fluid
But I, Chan De Rionne
I carry on
I carry well
Carry bumper fell
I might three-wheel pop trunk
Leave your kid in a well
He down there trying to ask for
For pot roast
I ball the most, I eat French toast
Who gon’ cope with me?
Who gon’, go ahead and be in the gym?
You wasn’t in the gym shooting, stroking threes!
You can’t do it like this
The way I wood-wheel twist
I got at least 40 grand on my wrist
On my shoes
And I rock Huaraches
I just got the damn, I finally got the Bordeaux 7s
I came through I might shop at 7-Eleven
I shop at motherfucking Walmart Mexico
Yall aleady know how I stop
I don’t stop
I ride nonstop
I’m still riding spinners like its ‘05
That’s how I do it
I don’t even, I don’t even gotta make a whole fluid sentence
I speak a half sentence into, into a tran- transition that you never heard before
I sip my syrup slow
Y’all already know
I go toe to toe with the best of ‘em
I got the best lungs for smoking
I’m all the way in east Oakland
I ain’t choking
I drink so much figured I’m from Alaska
I ball on you bastards
Versace on the casket leave it closed
I put a nail in the coffin
I pop trunk often
I don’t gotta go to the doctor’s office
To even get my prescription
I’m in the red light district
You know what I’m saying?
High fives handshakes hugs
I come through, steal pancakes and drugs
They asking what’s yo subliminal?
Why you speak so much?
Is you typical?
Rap game Quick Draw McGraw.
Rap game Tim McGraw better yet rap Garth Brooks
I sing a hook
Like I’m Garth Brooks
[This is my beat I made
Fuck it, I’m gonna take my shoes off
I gotta let ‘em hear it first.
I’m in Pakistan
I’m in Thailand
8 screens on, 50 on my neck and hand
I’m with the Taliban
Nah, that’s just what I’m saying
I come through
Flip-flipping in that candy sand
I came through I leave the mic computer
The way I clutch the Glock
I clutch the Ruger
I did that
My Bentley still black
Sapphires on my tires and the wheels peeled back
But it’s still rewinding
You already know where I gotta get my shine in
But my Breitling is timeless
My time piece
I leave my pants with a crease
Leave your whole block deceased
But this ain’t no bleeding season
I floss for no reason
I eat, leave eight screens breathing
What you mean?
Oh my – your screens got humanity to ‘em?
They got a pulse?
My screens even got a divorce?
From each other?
So they had, uh, sexual relations?
They way they hated?
They figured I was never fraudulently skating?
I skate down your street
With J’s on my feet
I eat a pepperoni piz-
Rap game mona lisa!
I done switched my flow up!
8 screens on and your boy never been stuck!
I got big Glock tucked!
Underneath my shirt
I know it hurt
I come through
More fresher than Certs
I leave the microphone alert
It’s a freestyle
He’s so absurd, he’s absurd
He’s absurd I give my word
I give my word
Your boy got throwedest coldest adverbs and words
Your boy came through in the mall, he straight swerved
He bought the whole mall
I came through I’m 6’2” tall
Man I don’t want your gal
That bitch look like Ru Paul
I come through with dope in my drawers
And I swallow my rocks when the task force jump out
What the fuck they talking about?
I’m on the picture smiling
I serve 8 balls like I’m in the pool hall
Riff Raff came through
I balled on all y’all
They figure I balled for the Olympics
I’m in a whole ‘nother dis – distinct
Your game is extinct
I’m a dinosaur
I – you could pass me the thesaurus
I bet I done ssssaid every word in that bitch
Diamonds on my neck and wrist
When I wood-wheel twist
I could take twenty grand off my wrist
But I’m still worth uh 180
Two million that’s just on the Mercedes
It’s a Maclaren
I pull up in the candy pear Maclaren
Is it from Katy Perry?
Is it from Ric Flair and them?
Is it from WWF? I do it by myself
Man who you signed with
Motherfucker I got plaques on my shelf
I ain’t gotta sign with nobody
Rap game John Gotti
I drive a big body
Rap game Brad Dougherty
For the Cleveland
I should have been sleeveless
It’s hot in here
I need an A/C system
I don’t need your sister
Last thing you wanna hear
Is Riff Raff up in her ear
I’m in a, man, you boys feminine
You need a pap smear
I had to ball again
I leave you on the sidewalk at Bennigan’s
Then went to Denny’s again
They eatin’ a three piece with some extra noodles
I just bought a Versace poodle!
New dog alert! Fresh off Holo-A$AP-2Pvc’s second Coachella triumph, the real Illuminati Givenchy Rottweiler suggested a walk on the Venice boardwalk, and he invited along Uggy from The Artist, who’s also Illuminati. The LMFAO robot is there, and 2Pvc is still looking great in the Jeremy Scott Tigger hoodie-tux!
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This is getting crazy: Holo-A$AP-2Pvc is onstage at Coachella again. A$AP Rocky is on stage, sitting on top of the real Illuminati Givenchy Rottweiler, and Avicii is DJing! Tunde Adebimpe and Chris Baio from Vampire Weekend are jamming while Louis C.K. does stand-up in the enormous Horus necklace! Now Holo-A$AP-2Pvc just started glowing and hovering above the crowd, wearing Keith Haring pants and live-tweeting his own performance.
Now the actual Givenchy Rottweiler took Holo-A$AP-2Pvc to an Illuminati dungeon in Venice (under Gjelina on Abbot-Kinney) and gave him a dope Horus necklace and asked him if he wants to join the Illuminati. 2Pvc likes the necklace but he’s just not sold on the Illuminati thing.
Now Holo-A$AP-2Pvc is taking a break at craft services while shooting his new video, and the Otis Maybach is there, hogging all the whole wheat bagels! Riccardo Tisci dropped by and gave 2Pvc an incredible present: An actual Rottweiler whose head Tisci personally designed. It’s wearing a Givenchy “cat” riding cap. It’s also part of the Illuminati and 2Pvc hopes it doesn’t try to convert him.
Now Holo-A$AP-2Pvc is in Los Angeles wearing an elegant Lanvin evening gown and shooting a video directed by James Murphy. Spike Jonze is the DP. Alber Elbaz and the Otis Maybach came through with cameos, and they’re outside the Museum of Jurassic Technology!
When Ryan Dombal reviewed the new single “Holo-A$AP-2Pvc Back” for Pitchfork.com, he quoted the lyric “Unh, I’m a hologram / Why I feel hollow, fam?,” and called the song “Post-emo-trap melancholy-bravado at its finest.” Mikhail Prokhorov read the review and also noticed that 2Pvc had added quotation marks to his Thug Life tattoo to make it ironic, and he assumed it meant 2Pvc had gone soft.
Think again: 2Pvc made a gun shape with his finger and said “Gun shot, gonna lick a boy” in a very deep voice four times, then added, “You gon’ make me catch a body like that, *awnnnnnn*,” really convincingly. Weaving and Prokhorov fled in a Ferrari. The Titus Andronicus guy peed his pants.
Holo-A$AP-2Pvc back! Only two days to Coachella!
The flight attendant turned out to be Hugo Weaving in disguise, hired by Suge Knight to finish the job he thought he’d finished years ago. Turns out Mikhail Prokhorov and Knight play squash together and the jet was just a set-up. They thought Weaving would be a mystifying cultural reference point to Holo-A$AP-2Pvc, since the Matrix came out in 1999 and he was dead then, but it turns out Jay-Z told Drake to tell 2Pvc to “watch for the Barzini meeting,” and also Mary-Kate and Ashley just loaned 2Pvc the Matrix Blu-Ray the other day, so he dodges Weaving’s shot like Neo.
Now 2Pvc just yelled, “You gon’ make me catch a body like that, *awnnnnnnn*!” I think that means he means business. Also he’s wearing the fresh Raf Simons trooper pants.
The flight to Coachella has been going great. Mikhail Prokhorov surprised everybody by handing out matching Givenchy Rottweiler sweatshirts. They’re sold-out, but Riccardo Tisci owed him a favor. Prokhorov had a bunch of extras, so the Titus Andronicus guy is using a stack of them as a foot rest. But Holo-A$AP-2Pvc doesn’t like the look of the flight attendant, who keeps giving him strange glances…
Uh oh, Holo-A$AP-2Pvc just realized he’s due back in California for Coachella, Weekend Two. Luckily Mikhail Prokhorov came through with the private jet, and he invited along Cory Booker and the guy from Titus Andronicus: NJ in the PJ! 2Pvc is wearing a suit that Solange gave him that she borrowed from Theophilus London. He’s also looking great in a pair of limited edition “Beats by Holo-A$AP-2Pvc” headphones (MSRP $299.99).
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